On The Death Of Thomas Purbrick

“Thomas…Thomas!”

The limp body seated in a leather chair across from the man with cheap bifocals and an even cheaper black clipboard sprung to an upright position once again.

“Now, Thomas, explain to me what you saw, but speak slower and more clearly this time.”

“The sun set yesterday and Todd and I went to go pick up another pizza for the late night cinema, just like every other Friday. On 45th, just before the run-down gym, a lady came out and asked us what age Amelia must have started at to have four grandkids at twenty-seven years of age.”

Thomas shifted in his chair and began to twiddle his thumbs. A stark frown sat on his face and he shook his head continuously through the next segment of his narration.

“Todd said to the strange lady, ‘Amelia who?’ The lady stared blankly back at us and before we knew it, black cats were clawing at our legs like mindless zombies. Not the Resident Evil kind, but more like the Attack of the Living Dead kind. Right then, I realized just whom we were dealing with: the great Kelsey Desrosiers, Baroness of Castlevania. You know, the place where endless dungeons host exotic cat breeds that are trained in the art of –“

The man with the clipboard ceased his note scribbling and shot Thomas an annoyed look. “Yes, Thomas, the pet store. Go on.”

“After that, I panicked. Figures, the one day I leave home without the silver bullets or Excalibur is the time I am attacked by the Zombie Union. I looked over at Todd, who managed to escape the felines’ grasps, and screamed, ‘What do we do?’ Todd immediately thought of the perfect solution: call on the goddess Katia. Surely she would protect us with her faerie spells and Sword of Onalaska. I focused what stamina points I still had into my mana pool to compensate for not having Excalibur with me, then I chanted her goddess prayer:

O pure Austinian Goddess of Might,
by your just hand drive the creatures of night
back to the foreign lands from which they came
so we again can sing your holy fame.”

Thomas raised his hands and eyes to the ceiling as if he were watching rain fall for the very first time in his life. The man with the clipboard glanced up from his notes for just a second to signal for Thomas to continue.

“Just then, the Stargate opened and Katia appeared out of the steam and blinding lights. I’ve never seen anything so beautiful in my life. She came clad in the black fedora and trenchcoat of the early Highlander era with the Sword of Onalaska strapped to her back. I dropped to my knees and felt the Force slipping away from me quickly; the cats were sucking the midi-chlorians away at an alarming rate. With my last bit of strength, I reached for the Goddess and she embraced me, lifting the life-sucking felines off of me with her delicate touch. Resting in her bosom, I glanced up to meet her sky blue eyes.”

Thomas reenacted the last gesture from his seat in an exaggerated slow motion before slouching inward at his own next remarks.

“A grim smirk crossed her face and her eyes suddenly seemed gray, like storm clouds. ‘Thank you,’ I choked out. Still she held the grim smirk like a gargoyle, her touch now as cold as her countenance.  Something just seemed wrong at that point. I cried out to Todd and no answer came. Katia dropped me to the ground and slowly unsheathed her sword, still wearing that eerie grin that now struck terror inside of me. I cried out again to Todd, this time glancing back to see if he was still there. Todd returned my glance with a foreign state and spoke in a language I’ve never heard before. Fear now gripped me and before I knew it, I was trapped between the Baroness, the Goddess now turned against me, and Todd, who must have been possessed with some kind of demon. My life flashed before my eyes as they slowly descended upon me and I thought sure I was dead. Luckily I had the awareness to rise and attempt to run away before they were too close. I remember making it half a block before a cat caught up with me. I felts its claws nick a warm scratch in my neck, then I –“

Thomas blinked a few times, seemingly confused. The man with the clipboard now sat erect in his chair, observing Thomas closely.

“—then you wound up here, Thomas?”

“Yes, I wound up here and –“

“That’s enough, Thomas. I need you to wait right here for a moment while I attend to a few important points of business.”

*  *  *

The man set down his clipboard on the desk of his secretary nonchalantly. The secretary read over the notes and immediately asked, “Doctor, what should I do with this?”

“Exactly what I told you to,” he snapped back quickly. “Schedule Thomas Purbrick for open brain surgery for the psychodrive syndrome.”

“But doctor, that practice isn’t even legalized in this country yet!” the secretary cried.

“Oh well, Lord knows the loon needs it,” the doctor retorted. He ignored the rest of the secretary’s argument and strolled into the waiting room leisurely.

“Mr. Todd Keisling?”
A man sitting in the waiting room sprung up and acknowledged the doctor.

“Todd, we must keep your friend Thomas indefinitely to further assess and treat his current mental state. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to bring him here.”

The doctor gave Todd his business card and ushered him out of the door quickly.

“Thanks, Doc,” Todd said, “call me when Thomas gets better.”